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Red and Breakfast/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Everybody loves those big screen tvs, don't they? Well, I mean everybody who prefers sports to, say, conversation. The problem is they're so darned expensive. What if I could show you that you could have a big screen tv for under $10.00? Like, say, $9.95. That's how much it costs for a set of these castors. Now you just jam these babies into the bottom of your favourite chair. Might want to put a little grease on there first, because if they squeak at all, your mother's going to force you to take a little castor oil. Now, you may be sitting there thinking, how does a set of castors get me a big screen tv? Well, that tells me I have two things that you don't have... Imagination... And a crooked floor. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate that. Big, big changes up at the lodge this week. You probably noticed how neat and tidy everything is. That's because we're not just a lodge any more. Harold's also trying to turn us into a bed and breakfast. He's calling it the sleepy possum bed and breakfast. I don't think it's gonna work. I would be very wary of eating breakfast at any place that had the word possum in the name. [ bell ringing ] oh, front, front. Our first guest has arrived. Why are you telling me, harold? I'm not your front man. C'mon, uncle red. If this is going to work, we need to have professional service. You need to have professional help. We don't know anything about running a bed and breakfast. It's easy. You just have to like people. Oh, great. It's okay. It's okay. We're going to practice. I've got a guinea pig. Our first guest is going to be à la maison. Al who? A la maison -- mais -- he's staying for free. Oh, mike. Bonjour, monsieur. And welcome to the possum bed and breakfast. Your room awaits. What a dump! Get my bag! Oh, boy, get his bag! His bag, get his bag. His bag. Okay, I'll get it. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives an assortment of loose change from mcginty's trampoline park where everything bounces, including the cheques. Okay, cover your thingies, winston. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word... All right, mike. And... Go! Okay, winston, this is something that you go on, on a Saturday night. A pump-out. Okay, no, this is when you go out and you're dressed up, maybe take some flowers. Funeral? No. Okay, no. If a woman agreed to go out with you, that would be called a... Miracle. I know! You've got a calendar in your shop. What's on it? A picture of mike's mom. Almost out of time, mr. Green. Okay, winston, today is the sixth. You could also the sixth is... Oh, my anniversary! Yeah, it was 12 years ago today I got my septic truck. It was a date with destiny. There we go! [ ♪ ] today on talking animals, local animal control officer, ed frid, has brought in a surprise animal for us. C'mon up here, ed. Come on. Come on. Well, okay. That's right. What we have here is the single most dangerous animal in the world. Wow! Kind of a small cage, isn't it? Is this thing any more dangerous than a crocodile? Oh, yeah. More dangerous than a cobra? Yeah, I know all the animals, red. I don't just make arbitrary choices and try to back them up with outrageous claims, you know? No. I'm not saying that -- why don't you try being an animal control officer before you start shooting off your mouth, huh? Yeah, maybe after you've been mauled by a puma. You ever been mauled by a puma? That's not the point, red! The point is, at any time, I could be mauled by a puma and dragged into its cave. Well, we all have problems. I often get dragged into a mall. Jokes don't work in the animal kingdom, red. Okay, fine. Well, why don't you just show us whatever you've got here. Okay, well, that's what I'm trying to do. I didn't drag this dangerous animal all the way over here to not show it to you. So stand back and, you know, don't make any sudden moves. Look out! Ed, that's a hamster. Oh, I know. You're saying hamsters are dangerous? Other animals pick them up and throw them at you? You know, when I was a child, I had a hamster. Mister winklebottom was very cute. Okay. I see. You blame your hamster for you becoming an animal control officer. And isn't it nice for you to be able to put everyone's life into a nice, neat little compartment like that, huh? So you blame your hamster for you becoming an -- okay. Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes! And parents, don't get your children hamsters. Get them an education. Get them an office job. Get them a therapist. Don't you just hate getting speeding tickets? They cost you money. Makes you late for wherever it was you were going. That makes you speed even more. Then they nail you again, and the fines go higher and higher. Finally, you lose your license and end up spending 30 days in the slammer. You know, it's almost enough to make you want to slow down. So I got a better idea. You can get a way with speeding as long as the guy in front of you is also speeding. Speeding is the exact opposite of a wedding night... You don't want to be first. So what you want to do is get yourself a bunch of large cardboard boxes, maybe from a refrigerator or a thigh-master or whatever. Make yourself a fake car out of it, huh? Then you can paint it any colour you want and then hold it together with the handyman's secret weapon, which also doubles as chrome. And gear the type of car to your personal artistic ability... If you're useless, make it a russian car; if you're good, make it a french car. The car won't run, so actually british is a perfect choice. Now, this may not look like a car to you and I, but luckily, we only have to fool the cops. Besides, the car will be speeding, so it's going to be hard to tell. And the way we're going to make it speed is by sitting it on top of this platform that I got hooked up on top of the possum van. So the car'll be going the same speed that I do, see? Only it'll be the one that gets pulled over. Okay, now, the pulling over part, that's a little tricky. I got this pushbar secured to the one end there so it will pivot and push the car off. And this latch holds it back like a gate until the time comes. I just got to decide what size spring to use that'll have enough jam to push the car off there, but not send her into the next county. Now, I'm sure there's a mathematical formula for figuring that out, but I prefer trial and error. It's quicker, it's more fun, and it's really one of the upsides of having socialized medicine. Okay, I've decided to go with the medium sized coil spring there. I've also set here now though. And I control the pushbar with this high-tech latch release, eh? Now when I come speeding over the hill, the cops'll wave the car over. All's I do is pull on the string. They get a load of cardboard, and I get out of dodge. This may be my smartest idea yet. Or maybe it's just too close to call. Tailgating. [ laughter and applause ] [ ♪ ] I needed something from the hardware store the other day, so I asked my wife if she'd like me to pick up anything for her while I was out. She said, oh, no, no, no. I'll go with you. Okay. So the next thing you know, we're well in to our second hour at the mall, looking for shoes. Now, there was a time in our marriage when I would've said something negative about how a man who only needs drywall screws ends up giving opinions on 20 or 30 pairs of sling-back pumps that all pretty much look identical to him. Well, I don't do that anymore. No, I just followed along quietly, thinking what a great guy I am to be shopping with my wife and not even complaining about it. But apparently I was wrong. She took me aside by the wienie wagon and pointed out that my attitude was destroying the entire shopping experience. She said, this is supposed to be fun, isn't it? And I nodded instead of telling the truth. And then it hit me, okay. When you have a life partner, it's not enough to do things with them. You have to want to do things with them. Otherwise it's just not gonna work. So it's not enough that I go shopping with my wife; I have to want to shopping with my wife. I understand that now, and that's why I signed up for acting lessons. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] when septics go bad, it's nobody's fault. It just means your sewage has come to a halt. Call rothschild's. We'll give it our full-scale assault. And unlock the treasure that's trapped in your vault. Well, the bed and breakfast isn't working out so good. I think harold may have bitten off more than he can chew, even with those teeth. Uncle red! Uncle red! I've gotta go back into town and get some more groceries for mike. You'd think a guy who eats his meals off a tin tray wouldn't be so demanding. Am I supposed to look after mike while you're gone? I'll just be a few minutes. I gave him the bell to ring in case he wants anything. But I don't think he'll bother you. [ bell ringing ] bye. Oh, thank you, harold. Didn't you hear me tinkling? [ laughter ] I try not to listen, mike. What kind of an establishment is this anyway? I thought this was a four-star hotel. If you don't get a longer bath robe, it'll be four stars and a moon. I expect excellent service, and I'm gonna stay here till I get it. [ bell ringing ] no! No! Give me the bell! Stop being a dink. Ah, geez. It's for your own good. I mean, this is an experiment to see if you've got what it takes. And if I enjoy the experience, I will inform my friends. Your friends? This is a bed and breakfast, not a halfway house. Well, what about harold? I mean, he's put his heart and soul into making this bed and breakfast work. At least we should give a try for him, don't you think? Yeah, all right. But it's a bed and breakfast, okay? You go back to bed, and I'll go make some breakfast. Can I have the bell? Do you promise not to ring it? I swear. Okay. You're not gonna ring it? Nope. You better not ring it. Better not. I won't. I won't. He's right, you know? Red (voiceover): You youngsters might wanna watch this because -- stay away if you see your dad working on something. Like I say, walter should stand off to the side. But instead -- I was adjusting the choke, he's gotta get right down. And here, again, you wanna stay back. So then he gets the idea maybe he'll pull start it. Might be a little safer. Walter's got the big muscles. Maybe too many muscles. Okay, that's not really helping. Don't worry. We've still got the cord. I'm thinking another way to go, rather than pulling the lawn mower by hand, is if we could extend the starter cord and then attach it to a bucket full of bricks. And we live on the edge of the escarpment there. That would give her a good jolt there. Yeah. Just -- okay, I'm all set. Yeah, fire her over. Fire her over. That should start her up. But apparently didn't have my foot, uh, held down strong enough onto the mower, and then, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay. Walter, grab the -- grab the lawn mower! Grab it! Grab it! Okay, so -- okay. Okay. We'll try something else. Walter's up in the tree with the mower. Grab the handle and drop the mower, and maybe the gravity will help us that way. And there she goes! Uh-oh! Oh! Oh! All right. All right. Yeah, but you know what? The end justifies the means. The lawn mower's running, and boy, it's a little bit cooler in my hat. All right, I'll go fix my hat, and walter, why don't you go cut the lawn? Away you go. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] no, not quite ready for you yet. Just go up to the end of the lake there and come back. Just go one time. Okay? Good. You know, if there's one thing middle aged guys don't do as quickly as we used to, it's none of your business. But if there's two things, the other one is running. Now, I'm not a jogger myself, but if I was, I'd be looking for some excuse to run slower. Oh, no, no, not yet. Just give me one more. One more, walter. Yeah. That'd be great. That'd be great. Super. Super. Good. Okay, uh, these are ankle weights. See, when you have these on, nobody expects you to go fast. The problem with weights is they tend to have... Weight. So what I've done is I took some of these kids' water wings, I blew them up, and then what I did, I covered them with duct tape. Okay, this is perfect. Perfect timing, walter. Great. Working out great. Walter's gonna demonstrate how great this is. I mean, look at these babies, eh! They look like they weigh about 50 pounds each, when in fact they're lighter than air. Well, no, okay, they're not lighter than air. They are air. I mean, let's not make a big deal out of it, okay? It's just an expression for crying out loud. Okay, walter, come on. Away you go now. That's great. Away you go. Take it easy. You know, with ankle weights that size, you have permission to go as slow as you want. Just another brilliant concept -- [ walter yells, water splashes ] oh, man. [ applause ] uncle red, we're at the critical point of our project. Whether we're going to be a successful bed and breakfast comes down to one thing, and one thing only... The breakfast. Are you ready to give it your best shot? Well, I'm ready to give somebody my best shot, harold. Bonjour! Bonjour! Oh, don't you look striking in that outfit, sir? Might I ask, is that a ralph lauren? Uh, no, it's a leavenworth. Very well. Your seat, sir. Could I interest you in a drink? Freshly squeezed grapefruit juice. Oh, excellent choice, sir. Florida bib ball and drain 'em! Grapefruit juice. Oh. Oh. There's a seed in my juice. There is a seed in monsieur's juice. Terribly sorry. It's never happened before. Thank you. I will have the scrambled eggs on the toast. Excellent! Adam and eve on a raft and wreck 'em! And I'll have a low-fat soy cappuccino with artificial sweetener. Low-fat soy cap. Art. Sweet! Go nuts. Is something wrong, sir? Do you want me to eat that? No. I do. No! No! No! No, forget this whole bed and breakfast project. I'm cancelling the whole thing. Uncle red, you don't have what it takes for customer service. You know, harold, that may be the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Well, that's all very well and good, but I still think I should get my money back. I agree. He didn't pay anything! [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be down in a minute. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I'd much rather be at your bed and breakfast. Nobody can compete with your hospitality and prices, and that's just the bed part. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] all right, everyone. Sit down. Have a seat. Everyone sit down. Come on, take a seat. There we go. Everyone sit. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, the sleepy possum bed and breakfast experiment is over. From now on, if you wanna have bed and breakfast with a stranger steal a car. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com